Saturday, April 5, 2014
The Falcon - Now THAT's Gangsta! - R.A. Wonsowski
Panel 1 - Four "gangstas" are standing in an alley, going through their small paper bags full of cash. For the sake of simplicity (and the script), they are, from left to right: TOOFY, a bulky black thug about 20ish, pointing to the ill-gotten cash with his semi-automatic pistol, sporting a doo-rag, wife-beater t-shirt, MC Hammer pants, and a grill full of gold-plated teeth; HOODY, a shaved-head white guy nearing 30 that looks like he has quite a habit, wearing a hoody and baggy jeans slung mid-thigh, revealing Spider-Man boxers, and holding one of the paper sacks of cash; CAPPY, an young Asian teen wearing baggy clothes and a New York Mets baseball cap with the brim pulled to the side and tilted down, holding the other cash sack; and ESSE, a near-30 Hispanic gangster sporting a bandana around his head, bowling shirt open, and skin tight jeans, the only one aware of his surroundings, pointing at a rootop off-panel, a look of fearful surprise on his face.
HOODY: This serious paper, yo!
TOOFY: That's GANGsta, now, bee-yotch!
ESSE: YoyoyoyoyoyoYO! Eyes up, homes --
Panel 2 - Standing on a tenement roof ledge, arms akimbo and chin heroically jutted, is the FALCON (in his classic 70's red and white costume, looking down on the urban foursome.
ESSE: (off-panel, from below) -- the m@%#er-#&$%¡ng FALCON!!!
HOODY: (off-panel, from below) Cap his @$$!!
Panel 3 - On the left is ESSE, TOOFY is on the right. TOOFY fires his pistol held sideways, but the shot has gone wild, as a circular inset panel reveals why: "slide-bite", which is when the slide of the semi-automatic pistol "bites" the webbing of the hand between thumb and forefinger when you hold it like a dumbass like this. Because of this poor handling of the weapon, the shell casing has ejected from the gun upwards and right into ESSE's eye.
Panel 4 - Background, FALCON plants his feet into the chests of TOOFY and ESSE as he lands, the gun falling from TOOFY's hand. Foreground, CAPPY turns to run but has slammed face-first right into a lamppost that was previously obscured by the lowered sideways brim of his cap. HOODY runs as well, but has tripped over his low-slung pants, about to faceplant into the sidewalk. Both of their bags of cash are flying everywhere as they crash.
SoundFX (ESSE and the lamppost): KLONG!
Panel 5 - Two uniformed COPS, looking a lot like Ernie Hudson and Dan Akroyd, pile the four "gangstas" into a paddywagon, all bruised and embarrassed. The FALCON grins and watches as he leans against the lamppost on the left side of the panel, pointing nonchalantly at the foursome.
FALCON: Now THAT's gangsta!
OFFICER HUDSON: If by "gangsta", you mean "dumber'n stumps"...
OFFICER AKROYD: Five-oh in your hiz-zay, yo's...